Control: the adversary of love

Many of us have had challenging lives.  We long for healthy, loving relationships with our partners, children, family members, co-workers and our bodies.  We spend time and effort trying to make life feel good, but it doesn’t.  Constant stress and struggles lead to surviving, and not thriving in life.  Today’s society stresses our nerves because they are under constant stimulation, and they were designed for simpler times without 24/7 internet access.

Many people have had to learn how to take control to their situation in order to survive.  They had parents who couldn’t give them what they needed, so they became mini-adults at very young ages.  Single parent homes are the norm, and many of those children are successful because they learned early how to fend for themselves.  I was one of them; I understand. I’m not blaming the single parents; they are doing the best they can, as their parents did with them.

Why does this matter? It matters because to survive in this society you have to learn to behave in ways that don’t coexist with loving yourself and others in healthy ways.  The child who learned to adult at a young age doesn’t know how to be vulnerable; they know how to be in control and to survive.  Being vulnerable has turned into a skill that one has to cultivate, rather than a normal part of everyday life.

Love involves vulnerability because you have to open up to another and show them your heart and soul.  Show them your pain and show them your fears.  If you’ve spent your whole life fending for yourself, being vulnerable does not seem safe.  It goes against your survival strategy to control situations to stay safe. If you haven’t acknowledged and addressed your control issues, then they are most certainly there.  This article gives the basics on control  Survival patterns run deep, you can’t just will your way around them. They have been protecting you and they need to be respected.  You can gently chip away at them as you replace them with healthier strategies, but this a process.

What do you do if you know you have control issues and you want healthy relationships with yourself and others?  You realize that this is an issue that affects most of humanity and that you aren’t alone.  You realize that there are tools out there to break down these subconscious patterns (explained in more detail here:  Even the awareness of this issue will start to bring it more into consciousness.


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