Control: the adversary of love

Many of us have had challenging lives.  We long for healthy, loving relationships with our partners, children, family members, co-workers and our bodies.  We spend time and effort trying to make life feel good, but it doesn’t.  Constant stress and struggles lead to surviving, and not thriving in life.  Today’s society stresses our nerves because they are under constant stimulation, and they were designed for simpler times without 24/7 internet access.

Many people have had to learn how to take control to their situation in order to survive.  They had parents who couldn’t give them what they needed, so they became mini-adults at very young ages.  Single parent homes are the norm, and many of those children are successful because they learned early how to fend for themselves.  I was one of them; I understand. I’m not blaming the single parents; they are doing the best they can, as their parents did with them.

Why does this matter? It matters because to survive in this society you have to learn to behave in ways that don’t coexist with loving yourself and others in healthy ways.  The child who learned to adult at a young age doesn’t know how to be vulnerable; they know how to be in control and to survive.  Being vulnerable has turned into a skill that one has to cultivate, rather than a normal part of everyday life.

Love involves vulnerability because you have to open up to another and show them your heart and soul.  Show them your pain and show them your fears.  If you’ve spent your whole life fending for yourself, being vulnerable does not seem safe.  It goes against your survival strategy to control situations to stay safe. If you haven’t acknowledged and addressed your control issues, then they are most certainly there.  This article gives the basics on control  Survival patterns run deep, you can’t just will your way around them. They have been protecting you and they need to be respected.  You can gently chip away at them as you replace them with healthier strategies, but this a process.

What do you do if you know you have control issues and you want healthy relationships with yourself and others?  You realize that this is an issue that affects most of humanity and that you aren’t alone.  You realize that there are tools out there to break down these subconscious patterns (explained in more detail here:  Even the awareness of this issue will start to bring it more into consciousness.

Why should I forgive her?

forgiveI was talking with a friend last night and I apologized for something that I could have done better.  He said he didn’t forgive me.  I was shocked. The parent in me thought about how I teach my kids to forgive people, but here is this grown man telling me that he wouldn’t forgive me.

Forgiveness means letting the energy of the situation go, so that the relationship can shift into a different space.  Not forgiving means that the relationship will keep playing out the same patterns over and over, because the energy is still being supported. It is ok to not be able to forgive someone; it just means that you still have emotions tied to the situation.  Thinking about what happened, and talking things through, can get you to a place where you can let go of the feelings and the situation.

If you choose not to deal with the situation, then you are taking the energy of the situation and tossing it into your subconscious backpack.  Most likely, you already have similar situations in your backpack and that’s why this one played out the way it did.  You wear your backpack everyday and it weighs you down.  A goal in life is to empty your subconscious backpack so that carrying what is left is effortless.  Adding more hurt feelings and unresolved situations to your backpack, or adding weight to the ones already in there, only makes it heavier.

Besides the obvious reasons to forgive, another reason is to let go of the energy of the situation so it doesn’t continue to weigh you down.  By forgiving you open space up in the relationship so interactions can shift and become more positive.

Sometimes you will find people who are unwilling or unable to forgive.  That’s their choice and it’s ok.  You can forgive them and honor where they are.  One day they might surprise you and be ready to forgive.

Conscious relationships blog

This blog will be used to share information about conscious relationships.  A conscious relationship is one where you understand your role in how you interact with the other person.  By acknowledging your role in your feelings, you can start to shift your relationships into healthier ones that feel better to you.  There are many ways to re-shape your current relationships – those with yourself, your body, your family, your career, your free time, and all of your other relationships.